Today when I woke up the sun was shining and the birds were singing. I decided that I really wanted to do everything I could to make it a good day; at the same time I had so much I wanted to get done. While I did make some progress on a paper I'm way behind on, the most important thing I can say is that I had a good day. In fact, a great day. The whole thing. Seriously.
I made Aidan lunch this morning--after experiencing the crappy cafeteria food, I could sympathize when he asked if he could bring his own PBJ. I threw in a banana and a brownie and voila! Impromptu sack lunch. Tonight I asked him how his lunch was. His response: perfect. That made me so happy. Ah, the little things.
Got him to school on time, and then finally made it to the gym. I biked for 20 minutes straight and it felt SO good. After that I was afraid of crashing again, but I made it home and got dressed and made it to the doctor's appointment on time. By 11:00 a.m., I was still having a good day.
We talked about my meds and I told her that I had been coming down a lot in the afternoons, and that Saturday and Sunday were the most depressed, unproductive days I have had since I started the meds. I wasn't foggy and disconnected like I had been before, I was just straight up depressed. I couldn't do much at all. Anyways, I like that she called them "lost days," because that's how I feel about them. And the point of me getting help is that I cannot afford to keep losing days! Anyways, she decided she wanted to increase my meds again. I was very worried about this because I was thinking that all the haziness I was feeling was because of all the meds. I was wrong. I took the second dose of Wellbutrin this afternoon and I didn't crash. I haven't felt foggy all day. This is the most alert I have been in over a month. It's amazing. It turns out the chemical imbalance was THAT bad that even on the meds it was really messing me up. So I feel like today was really a huge breakthrough. Yay!
This afternoon, I had my evaluation at KU Psych Clinic. It was kind of like a personality test, I guess. I answered 567 true/false questions on the computer and then filled out a sheet of about 40 finish-the-sentence prompts. I really liked that one a lot, because you had to write the first thing that came to your mind. It was very revealing, but it also reinforced the fact that I am happy with where I am in life and the goals that I have met and set for myself.
Finally, this evening I made it to the support group. It was small, only four other people, and one of them was also new. It really put things into perspective for me. First of all, it was nice to be in a room of people who could talk about mental health problems with no stigma attached. We were all going through it; it was normal. In fact, what I am going through is so mild compared with what some people have to deal with every day of their lives. They were all such nice people and were very positive. They talked about meds, therapy techniques, all sorts of stuff. I learned so much about an issue that really isn't discussed often enough in the public arena.
Today was definitely very, very encouraging. I was beginning to worry a lot. Now I feel that my goal of getting caught up by spring break is a realistic one. And I also am not as worried about trans-Atlantic travel as I was before. Whew. It turns out everything IS going to be alright.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Monday, March 2, 2009
This felt good to write
This morning was an interesting one. It took me forever to get out of bed (Aidan was late to school again--I'm lame, I know!) but once I did, I met the day with some optimism. I got dressed, fixed some coffee, and made some phone calls to get a prescription refilled. While I was on my cell phone with the nurse, my home phone rang. Only about three people have my home phone number (Aidan, my mom, and AT&T), so I figured it was about my phone bill or something. After it rang about eight times, I hung up with the nurse and picked up the other phone. It was my baby's tiny little voice. At first I was worried that he might be sick. Then he asked me if I could come up to the school at 10:30, and I worried that he might be in trouble. When I asked him what was up, he said that he just wanted to invite me to the Read-a-Thon they were having that day, since parents were allowed to come. I honestly have no idea what compelled him to leave class and call me at 9 a.m. but I didn't really care. I was honored.
I got to the school a little late, but they were finishing up having class pictures taken in the gym, so I hung out with them until they went up to the classroom. Aidan was SO happy I was there. I was, too. I love that little guy so incredibly much that I was truly thankful for this opportunity to spend a little extra time with him and show him I cared. We had a great time. There were a bunch of Dr. Suess books and he read me my favorite, Marvin K. Mooney Will You Please Go Now, and apparently had informed the entire class several times that this had been my favorite book as a kid. I think I told him that years ago, but he still remembered. Then, after I started reading my economic history textbook that I had brought with me, and he was reading the Foxtrot book I got him for Valentine's Day, I overheard another mom reading to her daughter a book that I had read a thousand times to Aidan when he was little. It's called My Many Colored Days and it was so insanely fitting for the way I had been feeling lately--it describes different moods with colors and animals. Once they were done with it, I asked if I could read it to him. I had done it so many times before, all I had to do was look at the picture on the page and I could recite the little poem on each one for him. He was VERY impressed by this. It was a really awesome time. After that I stayed and had lunch with him and remembered how crappy public school lunches were, but didn't care because I have the coolest kid in the world. And he loves me so much.
After that I had office hours, and then went to a coffee shop and did some homework. I was relatively productive, but did a lot of staring off into space. I felt so weird all day long! My doc upped my Zoloft a bit today, and that takes time to work, but I hope it helps. I really feel like this whole meds thing is such a crazy experiment. I have no idea when I will feel normal again, but I do know that if I wasn't taking them I would be in a much worse place than I am now. I can't believe I used to go through this and do nothing about it. Well, not nothing--I self-medicated in pretty unhealthy ways. I am so glad that I am going through the process of coming to terms with it and learning to deal with it in a much better way, but it's a little overwhelming at times to accept the fact that I have an illness that I will have to live with for the rest of my life. I have been living with it for as long as I can remember--over 20 years now--and I suppose this is a big turning point in my life.
It's so crazy because this is JUST what my astrology has been describing. I'm going through my Saturn return, which happens every 29 years and is a very trying time, but which one can typically emerge from with a new and improved outlook on life. Mine is supposed to last until August 2009, but dear god, I hope I'm better by then. I also had some other weird planetary influences that talked about coming to terms with something that would be difficult to accept, and being forced to change the way I looked at certain parts of my life, and learning that I don't know everything I thought I knew. Dear lord, I am a scholar--I can't believe I still believe in that stuff. But seriously, it is so right on it's creepy!!
Anyways, this is going to be a very busy week, and I should be finishing up another paper now. Good night, voices in my head. Talk to you tomorrow!
I got to the school a little late, but they were finishing up having class pictures taken in the gym, so I hung out with them until they went up to the classroom. Aidan was SO happy I was there. I was, too. I love that little guy so incredibly much that I was truly thankful for this opportunity to spend a little extra time with him and show him I cared. We had a great time. There were a bunch of Dr. Suess books and he read me my favorite, Marvin K. Mooney Will You Please Go Now, and apparently had informed the entire class several times that this had been my favorite book as a kid. I think I told him that years ago, but he still remembered. Then, after I started reading my economic history textbook that I had brought with me, and he was reading the Foxtrot book I got him for Valentine's Day, I overheard another mom reading to her daughter a book that I had read a thousand times to Aidan when he was little. It's called My Many Colored Days and it was so insanely fitting for the way I had been feeling lately--it describes different moods with colors and animals. Once they were done with it, I asked if I could read it to him. I had done it so many times before, all I had to do was look at the picture on the page and I could recite the little poem on each one for him. He was VERY impressed by this. It was a really awesome time. After that I stayed and had lunch with him and remembered how crappy public school lunches were, but didn't care because I have the coolest kid in the world. And he loves me so much.
After that I had office hours, and then went to a coffee shop and did some homework. I was relatively productive, but did a lot of staring off into space. I felt so weird all day long! My doc upped my Zoloft a bit today, and that takes time to work, but I hope it helps. I really feel like this whole meds thing is such a crazy experiment. I have no idea when I will feel normal again, but I do know that if I wasn't taking them I would be in a much worse place than I am now. I can't believe I used to go through this and do nothing about it. Well, not nothing--I self-medicated in pretty unhealthy ways. I am so glad that I am going through the process of coming to terms with it and learning to deal with it in a much better way, but it's a little overwhelming at times to accept the fact that I have an illness that I will have to live with for the rest of my life. I have been living with it for as long as I can remember--over 20 years now--and I suppose this is a big turning point in my life.
It's so crazy because this is JUST what my astrology has been describing. I'm going through my Saturn return, which happens every 29 years and is a very trying time, but which one can typically emerge from with a new and improved outlook on life. Mine is supposed to last until August 2009, but dear god, I hope I'm better by then. I also had some other weird planetary influences that talked about coming to terms with something that would be difficult to accept, and being forced to change the way I looked at certain parts of my life, and learning that I don't know everything I thought I knew. Dear lord, I am a scholar--I can't believe I still believe in that stuff. But seriously, it is so right on it's creepy!!
Anyways, this is going to be a very busy week, and I should be finishing up another paper now. Good night, voices in my head. Talk to you tomorrow!
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Me again
Um, three posts in the last twelve hours. Can you tell what kind of day I have had? I just read that last one and it makes me feel super crazy. I am super crazy. But as my homegirl says, truly crazy people don't know they're crazy. I know I'm crazy, therefore I must not be. Just like in Catch 22. Maybe I just need to stop asking to be grounded and they'll ground me?
Well, I will tell you that this weather is not good for me. It is cold and I have stayed holed up in my house for almost all of the last 48 hours. Not healthy, I know. On top of it, the arthritis in my knee is killing me. Another reason why I need to get to the gym--it makes me feel less old.
My Granny called today. We talked for about an hour. She is the best. She truly is. It really lifted my spirits. She said that she knows it's a chemical thing, and how debilitating it can be. She is so right. As hard as I am trying to help myself, sometimes it just shuts me down. That's what makes some days feel so long. To be awake, and not to be able to accomplish anything is so frustrating, especially when I know how much I am capable of. And of course, my Granny reminded me of these things and that makes it a bit easier to push on.
I am so lucky to have such a supportive family. My mom has tried to help, but I honestly do not think that she has been sane for years. I feel bad for her, but I can't do anything about it. She doesn't want to know she's crazy, so she doesn't. My father is amazingly awesome and my stepmom, though she has her own quirks, does all she can for me, too. I think she might not realize that what I am going through is actually a disease. She keeps telling me to tell myself I have nothing to be depressed about. I know this. But my brain apparently does not.
Well, I will tell you that this weather is not good for me. It is cold and I have stayed holed up in my house for almost all of the last 48 hours. Not healthy, I know. On top of it, the arthritis in my knee is killing me. Another reason why I need to get to the gym--it makes me feel less old.
My Granny called today. We talked for about an hour. She is the best. She truly is. It really lifted my spirits. She said that she knows it's a chemical thing, and how debilitating it can be. She is so right. As hard as I am trying to help myself, sometimes it just shuts me down. That's what makes some days feel so long. To be awake, and not to be able to accomplish anything is so frustrating, especially when I know how much I am capable of. And of course, my Granny reminded me of these things and that makes it a bit easier to push on.
I am so lucky to have such a supportive family. My mom has tried to help, but I honestly do not think that she has been sane for years. I feel bad for her, but I can't do anything about it. She doesn't want to know she's crazy, so she doesn't. My father is amazingly awesome and my stepmom, though she has her own quirks, does all she can for me, too. I think she might not realize that what I am going through is actually a disease. She keeps telling me to tell myself I have nothing to be depressed about. I know this. But my brain apparently does not.
Sometimes
Every single day feels like a hundred years long. This is depression. This SUCKS. I deserve better than this.
Down again
Last night was very nice. I was glad to get out of the house. I wanted so badly to get some work done when I got home, but my mind just wouldn't do it, so I took Mindy's advice and gave my brain the night off. I watched a movie that was kind of lame, but enjoyable since my lovah Shia Labeouf was in it. About 20 minutes before the end I got this random surge and paused the movie to get about a half hour worth of homework before finishing the movie. It was weird. But I'll take it. Any productivity is good. I just got to looking at how far I am behind--and how quickly due dates and deadlines are rushing by me--while I was driving home last night and got this sudden feeling of despair. The doctor keeps saying I am going to be fine soon, and I believe she is doing everything to make that happen, but I just couldn't imagine what would happen to my life if I failed this semester. I have worked so hard, and this is exactly where I need to be and I just really don't want to screw it up.
And then there's this love interest that I'm not over. I kept telling myself it's the depression causing me to ruminate, and honestly, the more depressed I am the more I think about it. But at what point do I draw the line between my actual emotions and my chemical imbalance? I don't even know. I do know this began long before I was aware of it, and I can't help but wonder if my being depressed is what made it not work out. I know I was only one side of the equation, and I can definitely blame my depression for the way I reacted to it, but I never really got an explanation for why he didn't want to be with me. I guess that fact in itself shows that it wasn't just my issues clouding things up. The way he called it off was so sudden and incomplete. What hurts even more is that we don't even speak now. I have never been so happy just to be in the company of another person as I was when I was with him, and it really saddens me that I don't get that anymore. I am so mad at myself, but I don't even know why. I wish I could talk to him and tell him how I feel and what I've been going through. I think he underestimated how much I really cared about him. But the truth is that would just make me sound like a crazy person now. I think he already might think I am one. Either way, I'm pretty sure he just wants to forget about me (if he hasn't already) and move on, so I should really just let him do that.
Anyways, thinking about this is precisely NOT what I want to be doing today. I was being so productive and making so much progress and suddenly I have reverted back to where I was before. I really, really want this to be over so I can get on with my life! I haven't been to the gym in over a week, I'm crying several times a day, and I can't make myself do what I know I should to feel better. I am proud of myself for reaching out to friends yesterday--that seemed so hard at first, but so easy once I had done it. But there is only so much they can do for me. The rest I have to do for myself.
And then there's this love interest that I'm not over. I kept telling myself it's the depression causing me to ruminate, and honestly, the more depressed I am the more I think about it. But at what point do I draw the line between my actual emotions and my chemical imbalance? I don't even know. I do know this began long before I was aware of it, and I can't help but wonder if my being depressed is what made it not work out. I know I was only one side of the equation, and I can definitely blame my depression for the way I reacted to it, but I never really got an explanation for why he didn't want to be with me. I guess that fact in itself shows that it wasn't just my issues clouding things up. The way he called it off was so sudden and incomplete. What hurts even more is that we don't even speak now. I have never been so happy just to be in the company of another person as I was when I was with him, and it really saddens me that I don't get that anymore. I am so mad at myself, but I don't even know why. I wish I could talk to him and tell him how I feel and what I've been going through. I think he underestimated how much I really cared about him. But the truth is that would just make me sound like a crazy person now. I think he already might think I am one. Either way, I'm pretty sure he just wants to forget about me (if he hasn't already) and move on, so I should really just let him do that.
Anyways, thinking about this is precisely NOT what I want to be doing today. I was being so productive and making so much progress and suddenly I have reverted back to where I was before. I really, really want this to be over so I can get on with my life! I haven't been to the gym in over a week, I'm crying several times a day, and I can't make myself do what I know I should to feel better. I am proud of myself for reaching out to friends yesterday--that seemed so hard at first, but so easy once I had done it. But there is only so much they can do for me. The rest I have to do for myself.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Friends to the rescue!
Ugh. Maybe it's hormones, maybe it's the fact that we just got two inches of snow dumped on us, but I have been bluer than blue today. I laid around for literally an hour before getting out of bed. I hate it! Yesterday and the day before, it hit me around 3 in the afternoon--I just became very tired and very sad all of a sudden, after having reasonably good days. It cleared up later in the evening, but really sucked for a few hours.
I would even call yesterday awesome. I taught my discussion sections and was alert, animated, and on the ball. We talked about Frankenstein, which is one of my favorites this semester, and one that requires less prep since I feel like I know how to best approach it in this class. Next week we are covering Darwin and my classes are meeting in the Natural History Museum. The professor is coming to observe, so I really hope it works out well. As long as my mood is good, it should rock.
But just when things seemed to be getting so much better, along comes today. I did get some work done this morning, but when it hits me like that, my brain sort of just shuts down and it's hard to get anything done. And then the crying. Oy. I cried because I miss Joe terribly, I cried because I'm not getting any work done, I cried because this thing seems to be ruining my life. Aidan is spending the weekend at my mom's so I can get work done, which makes it even more frustrating that I can't get much done. He got a grade card recently and his grades have gotten bad, and I just feel like a failure of a mom. I know I'm not really, but it is so hard when he needs a little extra attention and I have a little less than normal to give.
I thought I might get up and go to the gym today, or get out to a coffee shop, or maybe do some shopping, but the snow and my mood kinda shut down those plans. But I decided that I can't let this consume me, so I sent out an S.O.S. to some friends--some new friends, who I am so happy to know and lucky to have--and some of us are getting together tonight for dinner. I guess I could consider it a celebratory dinner now that the news about my GTA award nomination is out. Yay! I just wish I could get over this and enjoy my success a bit more.
p.s. I found a support group! I'm going to check it out Wednesday, thanks to another awesome friend, Melinda, watching Aidan for me. I am trying so hard to get better and I think that's the only thing that keeps me somewhat sane!!
I would even call yesterday awesome. I taught my discussion sections and was alert, animated, and on the ball. We talked about Frankenstein, which is one of my favorites this semester, and one that requires less prep since I feel like I know how to best approach it in this class. Next week we are covering Darwin and my classes are meeting in the Natural History Museum. The professor is coming to observe, so I really hope it works out well. As long as my mood is good, it should rock.
But just when things seemed to be getting so much better, along comes today. I did get some work done this morning, but when it hits me like that, my brain sort of just shuts down and it's hard to get anything done. And then the crying. Oy. I cried because I miss Joe terribly, I cried because I'm not getting any work done, I cried because this thing seems to be ruining my life. Aidan is spending the weekend at my mom's so I can get work done, which makes it even more frustrating that I can't get much done. He got a grade card recently and his grades have gotten bad, and I just feel like a failure of a mom. I know I'm not really, but it is so hard when he needs a little extra attention and I have a little less than normal to give.
I thought I might get up and go to the gym today, or get out to a coffee shop, or maybe do some shopping, but the snow and my mood kinda shut down those plans. But I decided that I can't let this consume me, so I sent out an S.O.S. to some friends--some new friends, who I am so happy to know and lucky to have--and some of us are getting together tonight for dinner. I guess I could consider it a celebratory dinner now that the news about my GTA award nomination is out. Yay! I just wish I could get over this and enjoy my success a bit more.
p.s. I found a support group! I'm going to check it out Wednesday, thanks to another awesome friend, Melinda, watching Aidan for me. I am trying so hard to get better and I think that's the only thing that keeps me somewhat sane!!
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Sunshine
Today was a beautiful day. The temperature got up to the high 60s and the sun shone all day. I was very productive, especially for a day off. I was a little slow getting around this morning, but not because I was feeling depressed, just because I was dawdling. I didn't feel too guilty about it.
I met with my doctor today, who said things seem to be going well, and that it's just taking some time to adjust to the meds. She reminded me that it could take 4-6 weeks to see the full effects, and that was encouraging because so far there has been some improvement, but there is room for more. This afternoon I had an appointment with my therapist, which is usually on Fridays but got moved up due to a work thing that has now been cancelled, so I'm looking forward to having Friday afternoon free. Well, not exactly free, but not spent in a work meeting. =)
Anyways, therapy went so well! I told her I had not cried ALL DAY and that I couldn't remember the last time that happened. Wee also talked about some of the feelings I am having regarding old friends that I seem to be so different from now, and also about a lot of the positive things that came out of my last round of therapy. She was pretty impressed with some of the tools for coping I have gained, and put to use often, and I admitted that I was very proud of myself for how far I'd come. I grew up with horrible self-esteem (I was depressed a lot even as a kid--add that to a pretty dysfunctional upbringing and it only makes sense), but I have made a lot of changes in life and the way I see myself, especially in the past few years. I really am proud of all I have achieved and have come to really love who I am as a person. It just sucks that this illness makes me doubt that sometimes.
Today at the end of the session, my therapist (who is awesome, by the way) brought up something we had talked about before, and that was the idea of setting some goals for therapy. Basically, at what point can we stop and look back and say that we have achieved what we set out to do? I had been thinking a lot about this because initially I just knew I was going crazy and needed to get back, and now that I'm on track, I wasn't sure how much longer I'd need to go to therapy. But I decided that something I touched on in my last post really needs to be addresses. One of the things that the KU Psych Clinic says it can help with on its website (besides depression) is "lifestyle changes," and I decided that in the bigger picture, that is just what I'm going through. Now, more rapidly than ever, I am going through a lot of changes, and becoming who I am in a way that I really never expected. I love it. But I have always been so attached to the old me, and that image of myself sometimes contradicts the me that I am becoming. Make sense? Anyways, I am definitely going through a lot of positive changes, but I do have some reservations that seem to be holding this progress back, just like I mentioned in the last post. The goal I set today was to identify and confront those reservations so that I could successfully evolve into who I need to be. Wish me luck.
I met with my doctor today, who said things seem to be going well, and that it's just taking some time to adjust to the meds. She reminded me that it could take 4-6 weeks to see the full effects, and that was encouraging because so far there has been some improvement, but there is room for more. This afternoon I had an appointment with my therapist, which is usually on Fridays but got moved up due to a work thing that has now been cancelled, so I'm looking forward to having Friday afternoon free. Well, not exactly free, but not spent in a work meeting. =)
Anyways, therapy went so well! I told her I had not cried ALL DAY and that I couldn't remember the last time that happened. Wee also talked about some of the feelings I am having regarding old friends that I seem to be so different from now, and also about a lot of the positive things that came out of my last round of therapy. She was pretty impressed with some of the tools for coping I have gained, and put to use often, and I admitted that I was very proud of myself for how far I'd come. I grew up with horrible self-esteem (I was depressed a lot even as a kid--add that to a pretty dysfunctional upbringing and it only makes sense), but I have made a lot of changes in life and the way I see myself, especially in the past few years. I really am proud of all I have achieved and have come to really love who I am as a person. It just sucks that this illness makes me doubt that sometimes.
Today at the end of the session, my therapist (who is awesome, by the way) brought up something we had talked about before, and that was the idea of setting some goals for therapy. Basically, at what point can we stop and look back and say that we have achieved what we set out to do? I had been thinking a lot about this because initially I just knew I was going crazy and needed to get back, and now that I'm on track, I wasn't sure how much longer I'd need to go to therapy. But I decided that something I touched on in my last post really needs to be addresses. One of the things that the KU Psych Clinic says it can help with on its website (besides depression) is "lifestyle changes," and I decided that in the bigger picture, that is just what I'm going through. Now, more rapidly than ever, I am going through a lot of changes, and becoming who I am in a way that I really never expected. I love it. But I have always been so attached to the old me, and that image of myself sometimes contradicts the me that I am becoming. Make sense? Anyways, I am definitely going through a lot of positive changes, but I do have some reservations that seem to be holding this progress back, just like I mentioned in the last post. The goal I set today was to identify and confront those reservations so that I could successfully evolve into who I need to be. Wish me luck.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Old
I just got done with an online conversation with an old friend (yes, instead of reading--you caught me) and as much as I love her and I know she cares, it makes me so frustrated when some of my friends do not understand that I have made a decision to forgo drinking and meeting boys in order to focus on my future. I have found a different lifestyle that is so much more fulfilling, and it is good to be constantly surrounded by like-minded people who keep me focused on my goals. As I told my therapist, one of the things that really made me depressed over break was the realization that I have less and less in common with people from my past. That doesn't mean I have to sever those relationships, but it is difficult being stuck between my loyalty to old friendships and my need to surround myself with people who allow for constant change. I think part of why this depression has been so powerful is the fact that I feel sometimes like I am standing between two lives--two me's--and as much as I am ready to break into a new lifestyle, there is much sadness in leaving the old one behind. I have already shed so many unhealthy habits--destructive relationships, smoking, self-medicating with drugs and alcohol, doubting myself, etc. Those things are all in the past now. It is an alien but wonderful feeling to leave behind so many of the things which were so bound up in my identity. Things which seemed good because they were familiar and comfortable now strike me as awkward and destructive. I feel that when I emerge from this period of my life, I will be changed in a very positive way.
In case you didn't know...
Ambien does not mess around. Last night I vaguely remember watching my space heater breathe for a while before drifting into an eight hour stupor. When I awoke, I found a pretty flower drawn on my desk lamp (note to self: remove all permanent markers from bedside before taking perscription sleep aids) and an intricate henna-type design on my left hand, in what could only be yellow highlighter.
I tried to get to sleep without it, but after 40 minutes or so my mind wouldn't settle down enough to let me, so I went for it. I did sleep a full eight hours, which was great. I had a really bad crying fit this morning, but I did wake up feeling okay before that and by noon was in a pretty good mood again, even though I felt a little detached. I tried to take a short nap when I got home from a trip to Topeka with Ashley, but it wasn't happening. I do feel sort of exhausted, but today didn't seem as impossibly long as most days do. Still, the realization that Tuesday is creeping up on me and I'm not even done with one of my readings is a little daunting. It's funny--if the mood hits me right, reading history is very exciting and I can concentrate on it better than before I was sick. Even this book on the Great Depression is super interesting when I'm feeling up. Right now, it's just dragging on, but I think that's attributable more to the journalistic writing style of the author than it is my mood.
Anyways, I'm going to keep reading tonight as long as I can, so I sure hope a good mood hits me soon!
I tried to get to sleep without it, but after 40 minutes or so my mind wouldn't settle down enough to let me, so I went for it. I did sleep a full eight hours, which was great. I had a really bad crying fit this morning, but I did wake up feeling okay before that and by noon was in a pretty good mood again, even though I felt a little detached. I tried to take a short nap when I got home from a trip to Topeka with Ashley, but it wasn't happening. I do feel sort of exhausted, but today didn't seem as impossibly long as most days do. Still, the realization that Tuesday is creeping up on me and I'm not even done with one of my readings is a little daunting. It's funny--if the mood hits me right, reading history is very exciting and I can concentrate on it better than before I was sick. Even this book on the Great Depression is super interesting when I'm feeling up. Right now, it's just dragging on, but I think that's attributable more to the journalistic writing style of the author than it is my mood.
Anyways, I'm going to keep reading tonight as long as I can, so I sure hope a good mood hits me soon!
Friday, February 20, 2009
Coming to
The last two days have I have been happy to participate in reality to a moderate extent. I haven't written much because I have been actually getting things done...slowly. I am making lots of progress indeed! The seratonin makes a big difference, and cutting back on coffee has produced a noticable improvement. I was a bit out of it today during discussions, but considering how I feel, I don't think they went too bad. One kid in my 1:00 class is totally philosophical--which is awesome--but he threw me a total curveball that I just did NOT have the mental agility to catch.
By the time I made it to therapy, I was not feeling so bad. I had finished my one cup of coffee and was talkative and had been thinking some things over all week that it was good to get out. Now that I'm able to see things a bit more as they are--rather than how I have made them in my head--I begin to see that certain sources of stress were things that I should be over by now. All in all, I left there feeling very proud of myself for the way I had handled certain things recently, and for my recent accomplishments. I really don't have much to be depressed about, and that helps my outlook for getting over the bio-chemical causes of this episode. Like I said before, the new meds do help, but it is quite exhausting getting adjusted to them.
Today I forgave myself for my shortcomings, I remembered all the good reasons for loving myself (I had forgotten that I'm so beautfiul and smart, and funny!), and I took a few moments to enjoy the beauty that surrounds me.*
*When I was walking to my car this afternoon, I noticed the way the sunshine illuminated the beautiful buildings on campus--Dyche Hall, Watson, Fraser, Lippincott--and I remembered the feeling they gave me when I first started at KU. I felt like I was in the game of LIFE. I felt so tiny, in a wonderful way; like this thing that surrounds me was something greater than myself. It made me feel like I was going to be okay.
By the time I made it to therapy, I was not feeling so bad. I had finished my one cup of coffee and was talkative and had been thinking some things over all week that it was good to get out. Now that I'm able to see things a bit more as they are--rather than how I have made them in my head--I begin to see that certain sources of stress were things that I should be over by now. All in all, I left there feeling very proud of myself for the way I had handled certain things recently, and for my recent accomplishments. I really don't have much to be depressed about, and that helps my outlook for getting over the bio-chemical causes of this episode. Like I said before, the new meds do help, but it is quite exhausting getting adjusted to them.
Today I forgave myself for my shortcomings, I remembered all the good reasons for loving myself (I had forgotten that I'm so beautfiul and smart, and funny!), and I took a few moments to enjoy the beauty that surrounds me.*
*When I was walking to my car this afternoon, I noticed the way the sunshine illuminated the beautiful buildings on campus--Dyche Hall, Watson, Fraser, Lippincott--and I remembered the feeling they gave me when I first started at KU. I felt like I was in the game of LIFE. I felt so tiny, in a wonderful way; like this thing that surrounds me was something greater than myself. It made me feel like I was going to be okay.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Depleted
I don't know how else to describe what I feel...just depleted. It was a pretty good day in that I was pretty functional. My mood was weird but I was not nearly as disconnected as I was before. My friend says you couldn't guess by looking at me that anything was wrong, and that seems so strange to me because I feel so insanely different that usual. It is definitely a lot less chaotic, and for that reason I can say it is a huge improvement.
This morning I was almost chipper. I couldn't stop talking. I did get a full night's sleep last night (after tripping out on the Ambien--that stuff is crazy!) but not enough to catch up, and unfortunately not quite enough to wear off all the Ambien. If you don't get eight hours you get a hangover headache, but it eventually lost out to the sinus headache I've had since yesterday. Overall, it was a fairly "good" day, considering what the past few weeks have been like. I haven't gotten nearly enough work done, and my instincts tell me I should be up until past midnight working on stuff, but I'll probably have to pass out before that.
Aidan has strep throat again and my dad took the day off to hang out with him which he liked better anyways since we don't have cable. Tomorrow there's no school so he'll be there until I finish my day tomorrow, and then he's going to spend Friday and Saturday night with my mom. I will miss him like crazy, but I have so much work to do. I'm sure I'll get terribly lonely, so I hope I can get out and visit some friends.
Speaking of friends and family, I am so fortunate (to the point that tears are coming to my eyes again) to have such a supportive family and some friends who I can talk to about this. Honestly, the friends who know what's going on with me are not ones that I have known the longest or been the closest to, but the fact that they are understanding of my situation makes this a thousand times easier. Every time I have been through depression before, I have hidden it from everyone. The result of that is typically feeling very lonely and sorry for myself, which only prepetuates the problem. I also had the idea that depression happened to me because I had "issues" that I need to work out, and that I was emotionally damaged. Coming to realize that depression is a real medical problem has helped to de-stigmatize it in my mind, and to be able to admit it and talk about it more freely. And I feel so much more optimistic about it this time.
Things to be happy about today:
1. My awesome dad and my awesome kid, who are so much alike it's uncanny.
2. A very undertanding boss and professor (it's so hard to be able to admit that I'm capable of less than my 100%--they made it easier to do).
3. Lunch with Ashley every Thursday, with whom I can always laugh--I look forward to it every week!
4. A new haircut.
5. The gym...and running into friends at the gym.
This morning I was almost chipper. I couldn't stop talking. I did get a full night's sleep last night (after tripping out on the Ambien--that stuff is crazy!) but not enough to catch up, and unfortunately not quite enough to wear off all the Ambien. If you don't get eight hours you get a hangover headache, but it eventually lost out to the sinus headache I've had since yesterday. Overall, it was a fairly "good" day, considering what the past few weeks have been like. I haven't gotten nearly enough work done, and my instincts tell me I should be up until past midnight working on stuff, but I'll probably have to pass out before that.
Aidan has strep throat again and my dad took the day off to hang out with him which he liked better anyways since we don't have cable. Tomorrow there's no school so he'll be there until I finish my day tomorrow, and then he's going to spend Friday and Saturday night with my mom. I will miss him like crazy, but I have so much work to do. I'm sure I'll get terribly lonely, so I hope I can get out and visit some friends.
Speaking of friends and family, I am so fortunate (to the point that tears are coming to my eyes again) to have such a supportive family and some friends who I can talk to about this. Honestly, the friends who know what's going on with me are not ones that I have known the longest or been the closest to, but the fact that they are understanding of my situation makes this a thousand times easier. Every time I have been through depression before, I have hidden it from everyone. The result of that is typically feeling very lonely and sorry for myself, which only prepetuates the problem. I also had the idea that depression happened to me because I had "issues" that I need to work out, and that I was emotionally damaged. Coming to realize that depression is a real medical problem has helped to de-stigmatize it in my mind, and to be able to admit it and talk about it more freely. And I feel so much more optimistic about it this time.
Things to be happy about today:
1. My awesome dad and my awesome kid, who are so much alike it's uncanny.
2. A very undertanding boss and professor (it's so hard to be able to admit that I'm capable of less than my 100%--they made it easier to do).
3. Lunch with Ashley every Thursday, with whom I can always laugh--I look forward to it every week!
4. A new haircut.
5. The gym...and running into friends at the gym.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Fair enough
I will trade caffeine for this anyday. It was a little late setting in, but I'm pretty sure I almost feel...happy. Is that what this is? It's been so long! For the first time in I-don't-know-how-long, I feel like I can accomplish the tasks I have before me!
First task: catch up on sleep. Thanks, Ambien! =)
First task: catch up on sleep. Thanks, Ambien! =)
Back from the drawing board
I just got some news from the doctor that is very difficult to cope with: I need to reduce my caffeine intake. The horror! The horror!!
Seriously, though. It turns out it was not the Wellbutrin but the excessive amounts of coffee and flavored espresso beverages that has been fucking me up. Yes, I can switch to decaf. But they don't make decaf mochas!! At least I have these Starbuck's Caramel Macchiato Truffles. Mmmm!
Also, the doc switched my meds up. She's cutting back the 'but (pronouced "byoot"; it's my new slang term for Wellbutrin) and is giving me some sort of seratonin as well. Ambien will now take the place of OTC sleep aids, which leave me with that hangover-like headache. I never wanted to become that lady, the crazy "gotta take my meds" lady, but hey...whatever it takes to feel somewhat normal again.
Now, on to my philosophy of teaching statement...and a haircut. I think that's what I really need.
Seriously, though. It turns out it was not the Wellbutrin but the excessive amounts of coffee and flavored espresso beverages that has been fucking me up. Yes, I can switch to decaf. But they don't make decaf mochas!! At least I have these Starbuck's Caramel Macchiato Truffles. Mmmm!
Also, the doc switched my meds up. She's cutting back the 'but (pronouced "byoot"; it's my new slang term for Wellbutrin) and is giving me some sort of seratonin as well. Ambien will now take the place of OTC sleep aids, which leave me with that hangover-like headache. I never wanted to become that lady, the crazy "gotta take my meds" lady, but hey...whatever it takes to feel somewhat normal again.
Now, on to my philosophy of teaching statement...and a haircut. I think that's what I really need.
Back to the drawing board
First, an update. After last night's frantic post, I settled down to grade papers. I figured if I was up, I'd better get something done. Once I got started, my brain chilled out a bit and I could actually focus on what I was doing. I was engaged. I guess I need to be engaged more often.
Today I did not, and will not, take my meds. Six hours sleep in two nights is not okay. I caught a quick two hour nap this morning and feel fairly normal, except for a headache that feels a bit like a hangover. Anyways, I'm feeling pretty stable emotionally, so maybe I should just cut out the meds.
Oh, and I should follow my Monday advice and get to the gym! I didn't yesterday, but I had an extremely full day after three hours sleep so it was justified. And I have to write my statement of teaching philosophy. The thing that really frustrates me is that it has been so hard to get work done. I also have lots of reading and writing to do, so I better make some progress today.
Off to the doc! We'll see how it goes...
Today I did not, and will not, take my meds. Six hours sleep in two nights is not okay. I caught a quick two hour nap this morning and feel fairly normal, except for a headache that feels a bit like a hangover. Anyways, I'm feeling pretty stable emotionally, so maybe I should just cut out the meds.
Oh, and I should follow my Monday advice and get to the gym! I didn't yesterday, but I had an extremely full day after three hours sleep so it was justified. And I have to write my statement of teaching philosophy. The thing that really frustrates me is that it has been so hard to get work done. I also have lots of reading and writing to do, so I better make some progress today.
Off to the doc! We'll see how it goes...
Panic button
This is not good. I can't sleep. Again.
Last night I was up until 3 a.m. and woke up three and a half hours later. Usually my mornings are sluggish but I felt awake. I laid down a few times throughout the day but didn't sleep. Now it's happening again.
Maybe it's the coffee again, maybe it's the meds. I took a sleep aid again (basically just benadryl) and my thoughts will not stop running. This is where I start to get really freaked out. I can't do this! I'm in grad school! I have so much work to do and I want to do it. I'm so lucky that this semester is more relaxed than last semester but I still have things to get done!
I feel so out of control of my life right now and I'm so scared of losing everything.
Last night I was up until 3 a.m. and woke up three and a half hours later. Usually my mornings are sluggish but I felt awake. I laid down a few times throughout the day but didn't sleep. Now it's happening again.
Maybe it's the coffee again, maybe it's the meds. I took a sleep aid again (basically just benadryl) and my thoughts will not stop running. This is where I start to get really freaked out. I can't do this! I'm in grad school! I have so much work to do and I want to do it. I'm so lucky that this semester is more relaxed than last semester but I still have things to get done!
I feel so out of control of my life right now and I'm so scared of losing everything.
Monday, February 16, 2009
Breaking through
Tonight I feel more like myself than I have in weeks. I can concentrate, I can think, I can plan ahead, I can see the bigger picture. These things have been nearly impossible for some time now. What really puzzles me, however, is how I went from being so messed up this afternoon to this in just a few hours.
What do I mean by "messed up"? At noon today we had a training session in which one of our professors went over a book we will be teaching this semester. Mind you, this particular professor speaks a bit fast, and the book was one I'm not too familiar with, but goddamn. It was like I was drunk or something. I struggled to listen and write at the same time, and just kept getting disoriented. I had a few questions I wanted to ask, or comments to make once I had begun to grasp what was being discussed, but suddenly the fear of speaking in front of my fellow TAs was terrifying. I knew I would stumble over my words or stutter or say something stupid...I ususally can't shut up at these things. It felt horrible. I was not in control of my thoughts at all.
I came home after office hours, and laid down for a nap. For the first time in weeks, I actually dozed off. (I have been failing at naps for some time now, as my thoughts just keep rushing...it's more like an opportunity to just be still. I used to excel at naps.) When I got up an hour later, I suddenly felt...clarity. My mind was not in a fog like it has been for a while. I don't know why, but I have begun to notice that mornings are not so good (even after the gym) but late afternoons and evenings aren't so bad. I'm going to see the doctor again on Wednesday, so maybe she will have some idea of what's going on.
But for now, the GOOD news:
1. Today I was informed that I have been nominated for a teaching award. This shocks the hell out of me because I have only taught one full semester so far. Now I have to come up with a statement on my philosophy of teaching by Wednesday and together with all the homework I can FINALLY concentrate on, I'm a bit overwhelmed but honored nonetheless.
2. Today I was also informed that I have been selected to teach summer classes. This is good because a) I will have a job this summer! and b) I will be teaching my own section of Western Civ I or II instead of leading discussion sections.
3. Grades were posted for my first economic history exam--I aced it! I was so stressed out and really struggled through the test. Once it was over, I was just glad I didn't break down in the middle of it! Not only did I survive, I was victorious!
4. I have the best son in the world! Aidan is so loving and supportive--and incredibly understanding for a nine-year-old. I don't know what I would do without him. :) I just feel bad that he has to have a crazy mom from time to time...
What do I mean by "messed up"? At noon today we had a training session in which one of our professors went over a book we will be teaching this semester. Mind you, this particular professor speaks a bit fast, and the book was one I'm not too familiar with, but goddamn. It was like I was drunk or something. I struggled to listen and write at the same time, and just kept getting disoriented. I had a few questions I wanted to ask, or comments to make once I had begun to grasp what was being discussed, but suddenly the fear of speaking in front of my fellow TAs was terrifying. I knew I would stumble over my words or stutter or say something stupid...I ususally can't shut up at these things. It felt horrible. I was not in control of my thoughts at all.
I came home after office hours, and laid down for a nap. For the first time in weeks, I actually dozed off. (I have been failing at naps for some time now, as my thoughts just keep rushing...it's more like an opportunity to just be still. I used to excel at naps.) When I got up an hour later, I suddenly felt...clarity. My mind was not in a fog like it has been for a while. I don't know why, but I have begun to notice that mornings are not so good (even after the gym) but late afternoons and evenings aren't so bad. I'm going to see the doctor again on Wednesday, so maybe she will have some idea of what's going on.
But for now, the GOOD news:
1. Today I was informed that I have been nominated for a teaching award. This shocks the hell out of me because I have only taught one full semester so far. Now I have to come up with a statement on my philosophy of teaching by Wednesday and together with all the homework I can FINALLY concentrate on, I'm a bit overwhelmed but honored nonetheless.
2. Today I was also informed that I have been selected to teach summer classes. This is good because a) I will have a job this summer! and b) I will be teaching my own section of Western Civ I or II instead of leading discussion sections.
3. Grades were posted for my first economic history exam--I aced it! I was so stressed out and really struggled through the test. Once it was over, I was just glad I didn't break down in the middle of it! Not only did I survive, I was victorious!
4. I have the best son in the world! Aidan is so loving and supportive--and incredibly understanding for a nine-year-old. I don't know what I would do without him. :) I just feel bad that he has to have a crazy mom from time to time...
A little better all the time
"I've got to admit it's getting better,
A little better all the time..."
The Beatles
By 8:15 this morning I had already broken into tears three times, gotten Aidan to school late, and convinced myself that both his day and mine were ruined. Fortunately, at 8:15 this morning I was on my way to the gym.
Working out makes me feel so good! Relatively speaking, that is. I wish I could do it all the time because it's when I begin to feel healthy again. Nonetheless, my trip to the gym yesterday turned the whole day around, so I have decided that no matter how fucking worthless my day seems when I wake up, I must make it to the gym. I still feel a bit down but I got myself ready and I'm heading up to campus early.
My goal is to find a good spot in the library next to a window so I can read in the sunshine. I've gotten it into my head that this could be seasonal affective disorder (the doctor suggested it), and suddenly just being in sunshine makes me feel so much better, even if it is just a psychological thing. I usually hang out in Wescoe and read, but I am beginning more and more to avoid places without windows. Of course, I have to hold office hours later and guess what...my office has no windows. I have lots of reading to do, though and hopefully I can get some of that done.
IMPORTANT THINGS TO REMEMBER:
1) Go to the gym.
2) Be near sunshine.
3) Think about smiling and you'll do it more often.
A little better all the time..."
The Beatles
By 8:15 this morning I had already broken into tears three times, gotten Aidan to school late, and convinced myself that both his day and mine were ruined. Fortunately, at 8:15 this morning I was on my way to the gym.
Working out makes me feel so good! Relatively speaking, that is. I wish I could do it all the time because it's when I begin to feel healthy again. Nonetheless, my trip to the gym yesterday turned the whole day around, so I have decided that no matter how fucking worthless my day seems when I wake up, I must make it to the gym. I still feel a bit down but I got myself ready and I'm heading up to campus early.
My goal is to find a good spot in the library next to a window so I can read in the sunshine. I've gotten it into my head that this could be seasonal affective disorder (the doctor suggested it), and suddenly just being in sunshine makes me feel so much better, even if it is just a psychological thing. I usually hang out in Wescoe and read, but I am beginning more and more to avoid places without windows. Of course, I have to hold office hours later and guess what...my office has no windows. I have lots of reading to do, though and hopefully I can get some of that done.
IMPORTANT THINGS TO REMEMBER:
1) Go to the gym.
2) Be near sunshine.
3) Think about smiling and you'll do it more often.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
This is my madness
Very few people know this about me, but I have struggled with depression periodically throughout all of my life. I always assumed it to be a product of circumstance; if you know me well enough, this will make perfect sense to you, as I have been through more than enough to make anyone crazy. A couple of years ago, I sought treatment for the first time and after six months of therapy, I believed that I had successfully faced down the demons within and beaten depression forever. I was very, very wrong.
The past few weeks have been hellish. I had been feeling a little depressed all throughout winter break, and felt a bit like I was on an emotional roller coaster, but again attributed it to circumstance. Looking back now, I realize it was all out of proportion. Nonetheless, I figured it would just fade away in time (as heartbreaks do), but a couple of weeks ago I had a complete and total breakdown--and pulled it off without anybody noticing. Since then, my emotions have been out of control. When I had finally lost all ability to concentrate on my work, I realized that a) something was really wrong with me, and b) if I didn't figure how to make it stop, I was seriously going to fuck up bigtime. I was not just feeling sad all the time--I was going crazy.
Fortunately, I was able to ask for help. I think what really motivated me this time was the fact that I had worked so hard for, and felt that I deserved, everything that I have going in my life right now. I have never been so happy about the place I am in life until this fall and I don't want to jeopardize any of it. I'm doing therapy now, and though I was always against the idea of it, I got on some meds, too. I was--and am--willing to do anything to get back to myself again. And for the first time in my life, I have to come to the realization that depression is an actual sickness; I can't just "work it out" and it's not going to go away. I have always been stubborn about asking for help, and for once it became clear to me that I could not handle this on my own.
For those who have been there for me when I did ask for help, I owe an infinite amount of gratitude. I can already tell that this is getting better. But goddamn, it is a little scary sometimes.
The past few weeks have been hellish. I had been feeling a little depressed all throughout winter break, and felt a bit like I was on an emotional roller coaster, but again attributed it to circumstance. Looking back now, I realize it was all out of proportion. Nonetheless, I figured it would just fade away in time (as heartbreaks do), but a couple of weeks ago I had a complete and total breakdown--and pulled it off without anybody noticing. Since then, my emotions have been out of control. When I had finally lost all ability to concentrate on my work, I realized that a) something was really wrong with me, and b) if I didn't figure how to make it stop, I was seriously going to fuck up bigtime. I was not just feeling sad all the time--I was going crazy.
Fortunately, I was able to ask for help. I think what really motivated me this time was the fact that I had worked so hard for, and felt that I deserved, everything that I have going in my life right now. I have never been so happy about the place I am in life until this fall and I don't want to jeopardize any of it. I'm doing therapy now, and though I was always against the idea of it, I got on some meds, too. I was--and am--willing to do anything to get back to myself again. And for the first time in my life, I have to come to the realization that depression is an actual sickness; I can't just "work it out" and it's not going to go away. I have always been stubborn about asking for help, and for once it became clear to me that I could not handle this on my own.
For those who have been there for me when I did ask for help, I owe an infinite amount of gratitude. I can already tell that this is getting better. But goddamn, it is a little scary sometimes.
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