This is my madness

Very few people know this about me, but I have struggled with depression periodically throughout all of my life. I always assumed it to be a product of circumstance; if you know me well enough, this will make perfect sense to you, as I have been through more than enough to make anyone crazy. A couple of years ago, I sought treatment for the first time and after six months of therapy, I believed that I had successfully faced down the demons within and beaten depression forever. I was very, very wrong.

The past few weeks have been hellish. I had been feeling a little depressed all throughout winter break, and felt a bit like I was on an emotional roller coaster, but again attributed it to circumstance. Looking back now, I realize it was all out of proportion. Nonetheless, I figured it would just fade away in time (as heartbreaks do), but a couple of weeks ago I had a complete and total breakdown--and pulled it off without anybody noticing. Since then, my emotions have been out of control. When I had finally lost all ability to concentrate on my work, I realized that a) something was really wrong with me, and b) if I didn't figure how to make it stop, I was seriously going to fuck up bigtime. I was not just feeling sad all the time--I was going crazy.

Fortunately, I was able to ask for help. I think what really motivated me this time was the fact that I had worked so hard for, and felt that I deserved, everything that I have going in my life right now. I have never been so happy about the place I am in life until this fall and I don't want to jeopardize any of it. I'm doing therapy now, and though I was always against the idea of it, I got on some meds, too. I was--and am--willing to do anything to get back to myself again. And for the first time in my life, I have to come to the realization that depression is an actual sickness; I can't just "work it out" and it's not going to go away. I have always been stubborn about asking for help, and for once it became clear to me that I could not handle this on my own.

For those who have been there for me when I did ask for help, I owe an infinite amount of gratitude. I can already tell that this is getting better. But goddamn, it is a little scary sometimes.