Breaking through

Tonight I feel more like myself than I have in weeks. I can concentrate, I can think, I can plan ahead, I can see the bigger picture. These things have been nearly impossible for some time now. What really puzzles me, however, is how I went from being so messed up this afternoon to this in just a few hours.



What do I mean by "messed up"? At noon today we had a training session in which one of our professors went over a book we will be teaching this semester. Mind you, this particular professor speaks a bit fast, and the book was one I'm not too familiar with, but goddamn. It was like I was drunk or something. I struggled to listen and write at the same time, and just kept getting disoriented. I had a few questions I wanted to ask, or comments to make once I had begun to grasp what was being discussed, but suddenly the fear of speaking in front of my fellow TAs was terrifying. I knew I would stumble over my words or stutter or say something stupid...I ususally can't shut up at these things. It felt horrible. I was not in control of my thoughts at all.

I came home after office hours, and laid down for a nap. For the first time in weeks, I actually dozed off. (I have been failing at naps for some time now, as my thoughts just keep rushing...it's more like an opportunity to just be still. I used to excel at naps.) When I got up an hour later, I suddenly felt...clarity. My mind was not in a fog like it has been for a while. I don't know why, but I have begun to notice that mornings are not so good (even after the gym) but late afternoons and evenings aren't so bad. I'm going to see the doctor again on Wednesday, so maybe she will have some idea of what's going on.

But for now, the GOOD news:

1. Today I was informed that I have been nominated for a teaching award. This shocks the hell out of me because I have only taught one full semester so far. Now I have to come up with a statement on my philosophy of teaching by Wednesday and together with all the homework I can FINALLY concentrate on, I'm a bit overwhelmed but honored nonetheless.

2. Today I was also informed that I have been selected to teach summer classes. This is good because a) I will have a job this summer! and b) I will be teaching my own section of Western Civ I or II instead of leading discussion sections.

3. Grades were posted for my first economic history exam--I aced it! I was so stressed out and really struggled through the test. Once it was over, I was just glad I didn't break down in the middle of it! Not only did I survive, I was victorious!

4. I have the best son in the world! Aidan is so loving and supportive--and incredibly understanding for a nine-year-old. I don't know what I would do without him. :) I just feel bad that he has to have a crazy mom from time to time...