Sunshine

Today was a beautiful day. The temperature got up to the high 60s and the sun shone all day. I was very productive, especially for a day off. I was a little slow getting around this morning, but not because I was feeling depressed, just because I was dawdling. I didn't feel too guilty about it.

I met with my doctor today, who said things seem to be going well, and that it's just taking some time to adjust to the meds. She reminded me that it could take 4-6 weeks to see the full effects, and that was encouraging because so far there has been some improvement, but there is room for more. This afternoon I had an appointment with my therapist, which is usually on Fridays but got moved up due to a work thing that has now been cancelled, so I'm looking forward to having Friday afternoon free. Well, not exactly free, but not spent in a work meeting. =)

Anyways, therapy went so well! I told her I had not cried ALL DAY and that I couldn't remember the last time that happened. Wee also talked about some of the feelings I am having regarding old friends that I seem to be so different from now, and also about a lot of the positive things that came out of my last round of therapy. She was pretty impressed with some of the tools for coping I have gained, and put to use often, and I admitted that I was very proud of myself for how far I'd come. I grew up with horrible self-esteem (I was depressed a lot even as a kid--add that to a pretty dysfunctional upbringing and it only makes sense), but I have made a lot of changes in life and the way I see myself, especially in the past few years. I really am proud of all I have achieved and have come to really love who I am as a person. It just sucks that this illness makes me doubt that sometimes.

Today at the end of the session, my therapist (who is awesome, by the way) brought up something we had talked about before, and that was the idea of setting some goals for therapy. Basically, at what point can we stop and look back and say that we have achieved what we set out to do? I had been thinking a lot about this because initially I just knew I was going crazy and needed to get back, and now that I'm on track, I wasn't sure how much longer I'd need to go to therapy. But I decided that something I touched on in my last post really needs to be addresses. One of the things that the KU Psych Clinic says it can help with on its website (besides depression) is "lifestyle changes," and I decided that in the bigger picture, that is just what I'm going through. Now, more rapidly than ever, I am going through a lot of changes, and becoming who I am in a way that I really never expected. I love it. But I have always been so attached to the old me, and that image of myself sometimes contradicts the me that I am becoming. Make sense? Anyways, I am definitely going through a lot of positive changes, but I do have some reservations that seem to be holding this progress back, just like I mentioned in the last post. The goal I set today was to identify and confront those reservations so that I could successfully evolve into who I need to be. Wish me luck.