Old

I just got done with an online conversation with an old friend (yes, instead of reading--you caught me) and as much as I love her and I know she cares, it makes me so frustrated when some of my friends do not understand that I have made a decision to forgo drinking and meeting boys in order to focus on my future. I have found a different lifestyle that is so much more fulfilling, and it is good to be constantly surrounded by like-minded people who keep me focused on my goals. As I told my therapist, one of the things that really made me depressed over break was the realization that I have less and less in common with people from my past. That doesn't mean I have to sever those relationships, but it is difficult being stuck between my loyalty to old friendships and my need to surround myself with people who allow for constant change. I think part of why this depression has been so powerful is the fact that I feel sometimes like I am standing between two lives--two me's--and as much as I am ready to break into a new lifestyle, there is much sadness in leaving the old one behind. I have already shed so many unhealthy habits--destructive relationships, smoking, self-medicating with drugs and alcohol, doubting myself, etc. Those things are all in the past now. It is an alien but wonderful feeling to leave behind so many of the things which were so bound up in my identity. Things which seemed good because they were familiar and comfortable now strike me as awkward and destructive. I feel that when I emerge from this period of my life, I will be changed in a very positive way.