Today when I woke up the sun was shining and the birds were singing. I decided that I really wanted to do everything I could to make it a good day; at the same time I had so much I wanted to get done. While I did make some progress on a paper I'm way behind on, the most important thing I can say is that I had a good day. In fact, a great day. The whole thing. Seriously.
I made Aidan lunch this morning--after experiencing the crappy cafeteria food, I could sympathize when he asked if he could bring his own PBJ. I threw in a banana and a brownie and voila! Impromptu sack lunch. Tonight I asked him how his lunch was. His response: perfect. That made me so happy. Ah, the little things.
Got him to school on time, and then finally made it to the gym. I biked for 20 minutes straight and it felt SO good. After that I was afraid of crashing again, but I made it home and got dressed and made it to the doctor's appointment on time. By 11:00 a.m., I was still having a good day.
We talked about my meds and I told her that I had been coming down a lot in the afternoons, and that Saturday and Sunday were the most depressed, unproductive days I have had since I started the meds. I wasn't foggy and disconnected like I had been before, I was just straight up depressed. I couldn't do much at all. Anyways, I like that she called them "lost days," because that's how I feel about them. And the point of me getting help is that I cannot afford to keep losing days! Anyways, she decided she wanted to increase my meds again. I was very worried about this because I was thinking that all the haziness I was feeling was because of all the meds. I was wrong. I took the second dose of Wellbutrin this afternoon and I didn't crash. I haven't felt foggy all day. This is the most alert I have been in over a month. It's amazing. It turns out the chemical imbalance was THAT bad that even on the meds it was really messing me up. So I feel like today was really a huge breakthrough. Yay!
This afternoon, I had my evaluation at KU Psych Clinic. It was kind of like a personality test, I guess. I answered 567 true/false questions on the computer and then filled out a sheet of about 40 finish-the-sentence prompts. I really liked that one a lot, because you had to write the first thing that came to your mind. It was very revealing, but it also reinforced the fact that I am happy with where I am in life and the goals that I have met and set for myself.
Finally, this evening I made it to the support group. It was small, only four other people, and one of them was also new. It really put things into perspective for me. First of all, it was nice to be in a room of people who could talk about mental health problems with no stigma attached. We were all going through it; it was normal. In fact, what I am going through is so mild compared with what some people have to deal with every day of their lives. They were all such nice people and were very positive. They talked about meds, therapy techniques, all sorts of stuff. I learned so much about an issue that really isn't discussed often enough in the public arena.
Today was definitely very, very encouraging. I was beginning to worry a lot. Now I feel that my goal of getting caught up by spring break is a realistic one. And I also am not as worried about trans-Atlantic travel as I was before. Whew. It turns out everything IS going to be alright.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Monday, March 2, 2009
This felt good to write
This morning was an interesting one. It took me forever to get out of bed (Aidan was late to school again--I'm lame, I know!) but once I did, I met the day with some optimism. I got dressed, fixed some coffee, and made some phone calls to get a prescription refilled. While I was on my cell phone with the nurse, my home phone rang. Only about three people have my home phone number (Aidan, my mom, and AT&T), so I figured it was about my phone bill or something. After it rang about eight times, I hung up with the nurse and picked up the other phone. It was my baby's tiny little voice. At first I was worried that he might be sick. Then he asked me if I could come up to the school at 10:30, and I worried that he might be in trouble. When I asked him what was up, he said that he just wanted to invite me to the Read-a-Thon they were having that day, since parents were allowed to come. I honestly have no idea what compelled him to leave class and call me at 9 a.m. but I didn't really care. I was honored.
I got to the school a little late, but they were finishing up having class pictures taken in the gym, so I hung out with them until they went up to the classroom. Aidan was SO happy I was there. I was, too. I love that little guy so incredibly much that I was truly thankful for this opportunity to spend a little extra time with him and show him I cared. We had a great time. There were a bunch of Dr. Suess books and he read me my favorite, Marvin K. Mooney Will You Please Go Now, and apparently had informed the entire class several times that this had been my favorite book as a kid. I think I told him that years ago, but he still remembered. Then, after I started reading my economic history textbook that I had brought with me, and he was reading the Foxtrot book I got him for Valentine's Day, I overheard another mom reading to her daughter a book that I had read a thousand times to Aidan when he was little. It's called My Many Colored Days and it was so insanely fitting for the way I had been feeling lately--it describes different moods with colors and animals. Once they were done with it, I asked if I could read it to him. I had done it so many times before, all I had to do was look at the picture on the page and I could recite the little poem on each one for him. He was VERY impressed by this. It was a really awesome time. After that I stayed and had lunch with him and remembered how crappy public school lunches were, but didn't care because I have the coolest kid in the world. And he loves me so much.
After that I had office hours, and then went to a coffee shop and did some homework. I was relatively productive, but did a lot of staring off into space. I felt so weird all day long! My doc upped my Zoloft a bit today, and that takes time to work, but I hope it helps. I really feel like this whole meds thing is such a crazy experiment. I have no idea when I will feel normal again, but I do know that if I wasn't taking them I would be in a much worse place than I am now. I can't believe I used to go through this and do nothing about it. Well, not nothing--I self-medicated in pretty unhealthy ways. I am so glad that I am going through the process of coming to terms with it and learning to deal with it in a much better way, but it's a little overwhelming at times to accept the fact that I have an illness that I will have to live with for the rest of my life. I have been living with it for as long as I can remember--over 20 years now--and I suppose this is a big turning point in my life.
It's so crazy because this is JUST what my astrology has been describing. I'm going through my Saturn return, which happens every 29 years and is a very trying time, but which one can typically emerge from with a new and improved outlook on life. Mine is supposed to last until August 2009, but dear god, I hope I'm better by then. I also had some other weird planetary influences that talked about coming to terms with something that would be difficult to accept, and being forced to change the way I looked at certain parts of my life, and learning that I don't know everything I thought I knew. Dear lord, I am a scholar--I can't believe I still believe in that stuff. But seriously, it is so right on it's creepy!!
Anyways, this is going to be a very busy week, and I should be finishing up another paper now. Good night, voices in my head. Talk to you tomorrow!
I got to the school a little late, but they were finishing up having class pictures taken in the gym, so I hung out with them until they went up to the classroom. Aidan was SO happy I was there. I was, too. I love that little guy so incredibly much that I was truly thankful for this opportunity to spend a little extra time with him and show him I cared. We had a great time. There were a bunch of Dr. Suess books and he read me my favorite, Marvin K. Mooney Will You Please Go Now, and apparently had informed the entire class several times that this had been my favorite book as a kid. I think I told him that years ago, but he still remembered. Then, after I started reading my economic history textbook that I had brought with me, and he was reading the Foxtrot book I got him for Valentine's Day, I overheard another mom reading to her daughter a book that I had read a thousand times to Aidan when he was little. It's called My Many Colored Days and it was so insanely fitting for the way I had been feeling lately--it describes different moods with colors and animals. Once they were done with it, I asked if I could read it to him. I had done it so many times before, all I had to do was look at the picture on the page and I could recite the little poem on each one for him. He was VERY impressed by this. It was a really awesome time. After that I stayed and had lunch with him and remembered how crappy public school lunches were, but didn't care because I have the coolest kid in the world. And he loves me so much.
After that I had office hours, and then went to a coffee shop and did some homework. I was relatively productive, but did a lot of staring off into space. I felt so weird all day long! My doc upped my Zoloft a bit today, and that takes time to work, but I hope it helps. I really feel like this whole meds thing is such a crazy experiment. I have no idea when I will feel normal again, but I do know that if I wasn't taking them I would be in a much worse place than I am now. I can't believe I used to go through this and do nothing about it. Well, not nothing--I self-medicated in pretty unhealthy ways. I am so glad that I am going through the process of coming to terms with it and learning to deal with it in a much better way, but it's a little overwhelming at times to accept the fact that I have an illness that I will have to live with for the rest of my life. I have been living with it for as long as I can remember--over 20 years now--and I suppose this is a big turning point in my life.
It's so crazy because this is JUST what my astrology has been describing. I'm going through my Saturn return, which happens every 29 years and is a very trying time, but which one can typically emerge from with a new and improved outlook on life. Mine is supposed to last until August 2009, but dear god, I hope I'm better by then. I also had some other weird planetary influences that talked about coming to terms with something that would be difficult to accept, and being forced to change the way I looked at certain parts of my life, and learning that I don't know everything I thought I knew. Dear lord, I am a scholar--I can't believe I still believe in that stuff. But seriously, it is so right on it's creepy!!
Anyways, this is going to be a very busy week, and I should be finishing up another paper now. Good night, voices in my head. Talk to you tomorrow!
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Me again
Um, three posts in the last twelve hours. Can you tell what kind of day I have had? I just read that last one and it makes me feel super crazy. I am super crazy. But as my homegirl says, truly crazy people don't know they're crazy. I know I'm crazy, therefore I must not be. Just like in Catch 22. Maybe I just need to stop asking to be grounded and they'll ground me?
Well, I will tell you that this weather is not good for me. It is cold and I have stayed holed up in my house for almost all of the last 48 hours. Not healthy, I know. On top of it, the arthritis in my knee is killing me. Another reason why I need to get to the gym--it makes me feel less old.
My Granny called today. We talked for about an hour. She is the best. She truly is. It really lifted my spirits. She said that she knows it's a chemical thing, and how debilitating it can be. She is so right. As hard as I am trying to help myself, sometimes it just shuts me down. That's what makes some days feel so long. To be awake, and not to be able to accomplish anything is so frustrating, especially when I know how much I am capable of. And of course, my Granny reminded me of these things and that makes it a bit easier to push on.
I am so lucky to have such a supportive family. My mom has tried to help, but I honestly do not think that she has been sane for years. I feel bad for her, but I can't do anything about it. She doesn't want to know she's crazy, so she doesn't. My father is amazingly awesome and my stepmom, though she has her own quirks, does all she can for me, too. I think she might not realize that what I am going through is actually a disease. She keeps telling me to tell myself I have nothing to be depressed about. I know this. But my brain apparently does not.
Well, I will tell you that this weather is not good for me. It is cold and I have stayed holed up in my house for almost all of the last 48 hours. Not healthy, I know. On top of it, the arthritis in my knee is killing me. Another reason why I need to get to the gym--it makes me feel less old.
My Granny called today. We talked for about an hour. She is the best. She truly is. It really lifted my spirits. She said that she knows it's a chemical thing, and how debilitating it can be. She is so right. As hard as I am trying to help myself, sometimes it just shuts me down. That's what makes some days feel so long. To be awake, and not to be able to accomplish anything is so frustrating, especially when I know how much I am capable of. And of course, my Granny reminded me of these things and that makes it a bit easier to push on.
I am so lucky to have such a supportive family. My mom has tried to help, but I honestly do not think that she has been sane for years. I feel bad for her, but I can't do anything about it. She doesn't want to know she's crazy, so she doesn't. My father is amazingly awesome and my stepmom, though she has her own quirks, does all she can for me, too. I think she might not realize that what I am going through is actually a disease. She keeps telling me to tell myself I have nothing to be depressed about. I know this. But my brain apparently does not.
Sometimes
Every single day feels like a hundred years long. This is depression. This SUCKS. I deserve better than this.
Down again
Last night was very nice. I was glad to get out of the house. I wanted so badly to get some work done when I got home, but my mind just wouldn't do it, so I took Mindy's advice and gave my brain the night off. I watched a movie that was kind of lame, but enjoyable since my lovah Shia Labeouf was in it. About 20 minutes before the end I got this random surge and paused the movie to get about a half hour worth of homework before finishing the movie. It was weird. But I'll take it. Any productivity is good. I just got to looking at how far I am behind--and how quickly due dates and deadlines are rushing by me--while I was driving home last night and got this sudden feeling of despair. The doctor keeps saying I am going to be fine soon, and I believe she is doing everything to make that happen, but I just couldn't imagine what would happen to my life if I failed this semester. I have worked so hard, and this is exactly where I need to be and I just really don't want to screw it up.
And then there's this love interest that I'm not over. I kept telling myself it's the depression causing me to ruminate, and honestly, the more depressed I am the more I think about it. But at what point do I draw the line between my actual emotions and my chemical imbalance? I don't even know. I do know this began long before I was aware of it, and I can't help but wonder if my being depressed is what made it not work out. I know I was only one side of the equation, and I can definitely blame my depression for the way I reacted to it, but I never really got an explanation for why he didn't want to be with me. I guess that fact in itself shows that it wasn't just my issues clouding things up. The way he called it off was so sudden and incomplete. What hurts even more is that we don't even speak now. I have never been so happy just to be in the company of another person as I was when I was with him, and it really saddens me that I don't get that anymore. I am so mad at myself, but I don't even know why. I wish I could talk to him and tell him how I feel and what I've been going through. I think he underestimated how much I really cared about him. But the truth is that would just make me sound like a crazy person now. I think he already might think I am one. Either way, I'm pretty sure he just wants to forget about me (if he hasn't already) and move on, so I should really just let him do that.
Anyways, thinking about this is precisely NOT what I want to be doing today. I was being so productive and making so much progress and suddenly I have reverted back to where I was before. I really, really want this to be over so I can get on with my life! I haven't been to the gym in over a week, I'm crying several times a day, and I can't make myself do what I know I should to feel better. I am proud of myself for reaching out to friends yesterday--that seemed so hard at first, but so easy once I had done it. But there is only so much they can do for me. The rest I have to do for myself.
And then there's this love interest that I'm not over. I kept telling myself it's the depression causing me to ruminate, and honestly, the more depressed I am the more I think about it. But at what point do I draw the line between my actual emotions and my chemical imbalance? I don't even know. I do know this began long before I was aware of it, and I can't help but wonder if my being depressed is what made it not work out. I know I was only one side of the equation, and I can definitely blame my depression for the way I reacted to it, but I never really got an explanation for why he didn't want to be with me. I guess that fact in itself shows that it wasn't just my issues clouding things up. The way he called it off was so sudden and incomplete. What hurts even more is that we don't even speak now. I have never been so happy just to be in the company of another person as I was when I was with him, and it really saddens me that I don't get that anymore. I am so mad at myself, but I don't even know why. I wish I could talk to him and tell him how I feel and what I've been going through. I think he underestimated how much I really cared about him. But the truth is that would just make me sound like a crazy person now. I think he already might think I am one. Either way, I'm pretty sure he just wants to forget about me (if he hasn't already) and move on, so I should really just let him do that.
Anyways, thinking about this is precisely NOT what I want to be doing today. I was being so productive and making so much progress and suddenly I have reverted back to where I was before. I really, really want this to be over so I can get on with my life! I haven't been to the gym in over a week, I'm crying several times a day, and I can't make myself do what I know I should to feel better. I am proud of myself for reaching out to friends yesterday--that seemed so hard at first, but so easy once I had done it. But there is only so much they can do for me. The rest I have to do for myself.
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