Down again

Last night was very nice. I was glad to get out of the house. I wanted so badly to get some work done when I got home, but my mind just wouldn't do it, so I took Mindy's advice and gave my brain the night off. I watched a movie that was kind of lame, but enjoyable since my lovah Shia Labeouf was in it. About 20 minutes before the end I got this random surge and paused the movie to get about a half hour worth of homework before finishing the movie. It was weird. But I'll take it. Any productivity is good. I just got to looking at how far I am behind--and how quickly due dates and deadlines are rushing by me--while I was driving home last night and got this sudden feeling of despair. The doctor keeps saying I am going to be fine soon, and I believe she is doing everything to make that happen, but I just couldn't imagine what would happen to my life if I failed this semester. I have worked so hard, and this is exactly where I need to be and I just really don't want to screw it up.

And then there's this love interest that I'm not over. I kept telling myself it's the depression causing me to ruminate, and honestly, the more depressed I am the more I think about it. But at what point do I draw the line between my actual emotions and my chemical imbalance? I don't even know. I do know this began long before I was aware of it, and I can't help but wonder if my being depressed is what made it not work out. I know I was only one side of the equation, and I can definitely blame my depression for the way I reacted to it, but I never really got an explanation for why he didn't want to be with me. I guess that fact in itself shows that it wasn't just my issues clouding things up. The way he called it off was so sudden and incomplete. What hurts even more is that we don't even speak now. I have never been so happy just to be in the company of another person as I was when I was with him, and it really saddens me that I don't get that anymore. I am so mad at myself, but I don't even know why. I wish I could talk to him and tell him how I feel and what I've been going through. I think he underestimated how much I really cared about him. But the truth is that would just make me sound like a crazy person now. I think he already might think I am one. Either way, I'm pretty sure he just wants to forget about me (if he hasn't already) and move on, so I should really just let him do that.

Anyways, thinking about this is precisely NOT what I want to be doing today. I was being so productive and making so much progress and suddenly I have reverted back to where I was before. I really, really want this to be over so I can get on with my life! I haven't been to the gym in over a week, I'm crying several times a day, and I can't make myself do what I know I should to feel better. I am proud of myself for reaching out to friends yesterday--that seemed so hard at first, but so easy once I had done it. But there is only so much they can do for me. The rest I have to do for myself.